i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
