hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
