Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
