Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
