I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
