dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
