She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
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