so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
