I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize