I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
