I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
sarcasm needs its own font
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
