you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
sarcasm needs its own font
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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