Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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