What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
