please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
