If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
