Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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