I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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