Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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