this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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