She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
