i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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