I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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