i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
