I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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