just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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