Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
