Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
