So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
