alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize