wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
