This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
