I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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