You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
