If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
