the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
