I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
