Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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