wanna go halves on a baby?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
