make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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