What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
