get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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