im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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