wanna go halves on a baby?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
