You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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