so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
