I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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