I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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