I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize