i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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