Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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