she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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