hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
