someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
