Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
